Thursday, September 17, 2015

The Washington Redskins

The world of sports gives us many different ways for individuals to compete, to strive to be the best, to attack the other guy and declare victory over the defeated foe.  The games are kind of fun, too, but the real conflict happens on the radio and the tv set as the various commentators, talking heads (by the way, have you noticed that Joe Buck’s head is larger than his shoulders?), gasbags, signal callers, color commentators and play-by-play guys in the press box and on the sidelines and in studios carry on for days about stupid inconsequentiae or take something obvious and turn it into a cause.  A good example of this is the current controversy to force the Washington Redskins football team to change their name.
You’d think it would be crystal clear to the most cretinously accelerated slob from the suburbs that, if the Natives tell you the Redskin name as applied in supposed homage to the noble savages is offensive, it’s offensive!  Duh!  What more do you need to hear?  You can’t deny anyone’s perception, they own it!
People being people, they get set in their ways and don’t like for things to change.  I like to think there’s always a way to solve a problem if you can just agree on what it is.  In that light, I believe I have stumbled upon a possible solution to the controversy:  They can rename the team the Washington Redskin Potatoes!  Talk about having your French fries and eating them!  Think about the possibilities!  The fans could gather in the stadium and root for their team!  The club mascot would be Spud, and the dancing girls would be the Yammers!  The logo would be a big laughing tuber!  Fans could smuggle in potatos in their pockets to throw at the ref when he blows a call, or at the receiver when he drops a pass.  The stadium could sell Rally Fries, Bangers and Mash, Shake and Bake Russets, and Cleveland Hash Browns.  During the off-season the field could be converted to a P-patch!  When they played the Rams or the Bears it would be considered a food fight!  Back to back games with the Dolphins and the Broncos would be Surf and Turf!

See how easy it is to solve problems when you put your heads together?   Don’t thank me, thank you!  We should do this again soon!  :-{)}

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Inertia

Inertia:  The tendency for an object at rest to stay at rest, and an object in motion to stay in motion.
For purposes of this discussion, a body at rest can be approximated for a fat ass sitting on the couch sucking down beers and watching football.  And as we know from our study of physical principles, a body at rest will remain so until acted upon by external forces, such as a spouse.  Furthermore, a careful review of mathematical theory will show that the amount of such force is directly proportional to the volume with which said force is delivered, plus the sum of the number of times it was previously delivered, without effect.
Thus, we can say that force times volume times repetition equals mass plus n, where mass equals scale weight plus 1.2 times the number of beers consumed previous to the final application of said force that results in motion, and n equals the amount of energy expended in leveraging the motionless body to a standing position.
But wait, it’s not that simple!  A body at rest can also be put into motion by internal forces, as well!  This is a bit more complicated, because the internal forces can be generated by multiple sources, and can also combine with external forces to provoke motion that would otherwise have been unobtainable.
Through much data gathering and analysis, we have been able to define most of the important internal forces and weigh their value in combination with external forces.  This list is as follows, ranked in order of importance:
1.       Need to pee – This internal force has a geometric progression included where time plus number of beers consumed equals stress that always results in motion of one sort or another.
2.       Out of Beer – This condition is modified by the next force, which is:
3.       Presence of commercial – this factor can reduce the force needed to achieve motion by half, and is only modified if the commercial is one that has not been seen before (rare), or involves scantily clad women or Richard Sherman’s Mother.
4:       A noise sounding like spouse coming – This factor, in combination with any of all of the above forces, will automatically result in motion.  The speed of said motion is affected by the location of said spouse, proximity to refrigerator and location of bathroom.

When all forces are balanced, a symmetrical motion is observed, as where spouse appears in the doorway just as body rolls into kitchen, grabs beer out of fridge, then slips down the hall as spouse enters the kitchen, and into the bathroom where inertia is restored while body sits on toilet while drinking beer and watching game on smart watch.  Thusly is stability achieved...  :-{)}

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Viet Nam

My participation in the extended debate in the 60’s over why we were in Viet Nam consisted mostly of attending anti-war demonstrations in Seattle.  I had been lucky enough to score a relatively high draft lottery score, 256, so I was pretty sure I would not be getting one of those “Greetings” letters from Uncle Sam, and could live my life without fear of having to go to basic training and learn how to kill people, let alone having to go to some far-off land and actually do it.
Of the kids I grew up with, many were not so lucky.  I remember one in particular, Steve, who not only got drafted and sent to Viet Nam as an infantryman, but lived to come back to his old neighborhood and tell the story.  Another, my future brother-in-law, was assigned to a helicopter maintenance operation at the air base in Da Nang as a welder/fabricator.
Steve was one of the dominant group in our band of delinquents who hung out at a park in White Center in the late ‘60s.  When he disappeared in ’69, and we heard he had been drafted, he faded from our consciousness until he reappeared in the summer of ’71.  He had saved much of his pay for the two years he was on active duty, and rewarded himself after he mustered out with a brand new Ford Galaxie XL, the one with the hidden headlights, so when he showed up back at the lake with a fancy brand new ride he was received as royalty, and we hung on his every word about the wide world out there and what it was like.
He told us how his platoon would be rounded up in the morning and remanded to expend a certain amount of ammunition every patrol, and how important the body count was, so they would hide behind a tree and fire off their M-16s, even though there was nothing out there, nobody was shooting back, and report anything that might possibly have been a dead body.  He explained that the 2nd lieutenants were assholes who would bust any grunt caught smoking Thai stick, and that everyone was high on something as much of the time as possible, and you could get anything you wanted in the local markets.  Remember that our forces were mostly draftees in those days.
JB confirmed that with his story of the puppy dogs of Da Nang.  It seems that, every so often, a scrawny, shivering puppy would appear inside the gated secured compound that housed the maintenance wing of the repair facility attached to the airbase, and would promptly be adopted by some homesick American GI and soon become the mascot for the entire barracks.  In a few short weeks the rescued puppy would thrive, and put on weight on a diet based on the table scraps and orts from the entire company.  Then, suddenly, the puppy would disappear, and within a few days another shivering scrawny waif would take his place, while at the same time one of the local restaurants featured a dish made with young dog.
Ramparts magazine back in the day had uncovered a document showing how all the major oil companies back then had parceled out the entire offshore of Viet Nam, both north and south, into a series of leased areas for oil exploration that went a long way towards a reasonable explanation of why the U.S. was sending troops over there to die in increasing numbers.  The official explanation, that we somehow were “preventing the spread of Communism” throughout Southeast Asia, was the same kind of bullshit that is used to justify air strikes and boots on the ground in the Middle East to attack ISIL.  In both cases, the only winners are the multinational arms corporations and the military-industrial complex in this country and the result of their profit taking is the same:  death and destruction.  There are only two kinds of people in the countries that are currently being used to expend our ammunition, those who are making money off us and those who are suffering because of it, and who hate us in return.  I offer you one simple example that shows exactly what is going on:
Every band of “terrorists”, or “partisans”, or “rebels” or “freedom fighters” has one thing in common.  In their midst is always an imam, a preacher by any other name, a sky pilot who is there to exhort them to action, promise them the eternal rewards they will earn by their actions, and teach them that it is the will of God, or Allah, or Buddha or whoever that they take those actions.  God is on their side, and they cannot lose.
All it would take to put a stop to all of it is to hold the individual imams responsible for inciting the crowds.  If every fatwa declaring Jihad was immediately followed by an aerial bombardment that destroyed the mosque from which the fatwa was issued, along with the imam who issued it, the faithful would soon begin to marvel that God is not responding to this challenge, and wonder if maybe the imams were lying through their teeth, and sending them off to die for nothing, which they are.  Just as those politicians who think America has to be the world’s policeman are lying when they make up bullshit excuses for sending our own men and women off to die.  One thing you will notice is it is never their own children, always the children of the poor working class, the expendables, who are chosen to make the ultimate sacrifice.
You’ll notice we don’t do that, hunt down the imams and destroy their mosques.  We don’t have our Secretary of State stand up and shout, “That story about the 72 virgins if you die a jihadi is bullshit!  And any preacher that says so is lying!”  We don’t want to disrespect their religion, I guess, or maybe we just want to expend some more ammunition.
But if you spend any time reading history, you can find the real stories about what we did in the world as a country to make so many people hate us.  Read up on how we replaced the elected president of Iran with the Shah, or how we participated in the murder of the elected president of Chile, or of South Viet Nam, or the many times we tried to kill Castro, not to mention the Sandinistas, and you will eventually catch on that, in this world in this year 2015, the United States of America is no longer the beacon of hope for the rest of the world.  Instead, for most of them, we are the bad guys.  It’s pretty clear that for all those years our foreign policies were designed to result in protection of private property all over the world and the successful exploitation of other countries’ resources for the profit of the multinational corporations that control our government, and many of theirs, as well.
That is why I am continually puzzled by people who proclaim their pride in being an American, who adopt that old line, “My country, right or wrong, but My Country”.  Those are the folks who cannot see into the future with enough clarity to realize that we will be defeated one day, without a shot being fired, other than our lunatic fringe being executed by the police.  We will be defeated because we no longer will produce anything of value to the rest of the world at a price they are willing to pay, and our working class will no longer be able to afford their products.
And that, as they say, is when the shit will hit the fan.
“Ah, but,” you say, “What about all those sharp young people who are out there making things happen in the world?  Are they not also the future?”  Why, so they are.  But why do you think they can be successful, ultimately, without your help?  
Don’t you see, this is all about you!  You have to step up, in your community, in your neighborhood, in this society!  You have to take the time to attend your community meetings, your caucuses, your get-togethers and your events.  You have to show your face.  You have to put your money on the line.  You have to look in the mirror, and ask, “Am I all about me and my family, or am I putting some effort into my community as well?”

And what are the principals upon which you choose to operate?  Do you believe that all people are equal, and that all of them deserve a share in the world’s resources?  Or are you more of the “All for me, none for you” persuasion?  It doesn’t matter which, it only matters that you think about such issues, and take a stand one way or another.  When too many of us are content to sit on the sidelines and let someone else do our suffering for us, everything falls apart.  And the one thing we all can share, misery, is always waiting out there for us.  It’s up to you to make that not happen. : –{)}}