To: Donald Trump
From: Alan Brittenham
Subject: Saving Your Ass
Hey, Boss,
I know you’re busy and all right now, got a lot on your
mind, but I thought I would drop you a line to let you know I figured a way out
of the little shit-storm I see you sliding into right now.
I know you told us that Obamacare was a total disaster, and
that job one when you got elected was to repeal it, and that was a popular
thing to say at the time, cuz everyone’s rates were going up faster than the
price of liquor on Blue Sunday, and it might have helped get you elected, and
they’re kinda on your ass about all those promises, and this looks like an easy
one, but wait a second before you make your mind up.
Down here at the trailer court, it turns out darn near all
of us went ahead and signed up for that there Obamacare, and it turns out to be
a pretty good deal, too. Of course, most
of us got the subsidy, so we don’t pay anything, cuz most of the folks around
here are on Social Security, or Disability, the ones that are all busted up, or
the single moms who are mostly on welfare, cuz their old man done run off or is
in jail, so we get to go to the doctor these days, instead of waiting till
there was nothing to it but to go to the emergency room. Maizie’s grippe is much better now, and old
man Hoss got a whole new knee out of the deal, and ain’t he the spring chicken
now!
Now the thing is, Boss, these folks are exactly the ones
that voted for you, you know. One of
your folks came around one day and signed everyone up to vote and request one
of those absentee ballots, and, when they came time to vote, every dang one of
them had your name on it with a big x next to it.
So if you turn off Obamacare, you ain’t doing nothing less
than throwing all those good folks who listened to you, who believed in you,
and who voted for you out in the street, and don’t for one moment think they
won’t be pissed!
So you got yourself between a rock and a hard place, and I
can help you get out of it. It’s simple:
You just take the name off of it, and call it
Trumpcare! That’s all you gotta do!
Oh, sure, it has to look a bit harder than that, you have to
razzle dazzle them a bit, but that’s nothing for the man who sold Trump
University, not to mention Trump steaks.
You can come up with the fancy words, I’m sure. And that thing you said in your speech about
how companies been ripping us off, that will tie right into it. You can go after the pharmaceutical companies
for overcharging, and tell Medicare to start negotiating drug prices like they
shoulda been doing, and roll the whole thing in a new ball, without removing
anything! Call it the American Health
Care Freedom Act, or some such, and it will sail right through, I’m sure.
Anybody bitches, threaten to switch to Single Payer and they’ll
shut right up. By the way, that single
payer system actually looks pretty good if you look at it close, you might want
to keep that in the back of your head for now.
Good luck.
You know, I’m a good American citizen, and I’m always ready
to help you out. I got a couple of other
ideas if you get in a jam. Don’t
hesitate to call. I’ll do it for free.
Your pal,
Big Al
