Much is made of old stories and legends, the sort of
forgotten lore to which Poe often referred, or Coleridge in his opium-induced
dreams. Generations of herbal expertise and
wisdom are forgotten as elders die in sad circumstances without proper respect,
and other wisdom is purposely ignored by those in power for whom personal economic
considerations outweigh the common good.
That’s why I was happy to have an opportunity to bring out just one tiny
fragment of an old wives’ tale that just might be based on ancient rumor which in
turn was first noted on a fragment of stone tablet from an early Egyptian
dynasty that pointed out some peculiar properties of hummingbird shit.
Now the hummingbird, when you think about it, is something
close to the perfect machine, that intakes purest sugar water from my feeder,
along with the most delicate of pollens and blossom effluvia that emanates from
the various flowering plants that populate the grounds around here as they buzz
around and dive bomb us when their feeders get low, pure energy on display,
with attitude. Ask yourself, have you
ever seen a hummingbird shit?
I mean, compared to the chickadees, nuthatches, finches and
flickers that mob the seeder and the suet cakes, with the resulting random pile
of guano, sunflower seed shells and millet hulls piling up on the ground below,
the hummingbirds leave no sign under either of the two feeders hanging off our
deck that what goes in must somehow come back out, if for no other reason than
to show they’re alive. It was only after
long periods of time spent nursing a beer in the Adirondack chair placed
strategically under the feeder that I was able to observe the eliminatory
function in operation in the genus. It
seems that, in the act of taking flight after a session at one of the ports on
the sugar water feeder, and, precisely as the momentary pause to hover above
the perch and scan the area then decide what direction in which to fly ends, a
miniscule droplet of perfectly clear fluid is ejected from under the tail of
the bird as it rockets off into the distance.
And it was only when, as I reached for my beer, and felt that tiny drop land
on the top of my head where the forest is a little thin for lack of trees, that
I achieved enlightenment.
At the time, I chuckled, of course, said a bad word at the
retreating derriere of the offending bird, and forgot about it. It was only after I woke up the next morning,
and realized that my usual aches and pains were gone, there was a spring in my
step that wasn’t there before. I
wandered through a very fine day in a pleasant haze as everything seemed to
work out just fine. It was only later,
after the effect had worn off, that I began to suspect there might be something
about the hummingbird shit, and started doing some research on the subject.
Sure enough, the ancient Egyptians found some mystical
properties about hummingbird shit, and decided it was to be reserved only for
the pharaohs and their most favored concubines, for whom its aphrodisiacal qualities
alone were a special treat. In the right
quantities, and when applied with the proper rites and prayers, godlike powers would
be awarded to those who lived through the ordeal, it was rumored. I was determined to find out if the rumors
were true.
Day after day, in the interests of Science, I took my
position under the feeder, with my arm strategically placed to occupy the most
likely trajectory of any ejected missiles of mystical awareness that might
emanate from the miniscule anus of the subject bird. I believe I might have been impacted by a
couple of them during the collection phase, but can’t be sure, as I was asleep at
the time. I did get crapped on by a crow,
however, but nothing came of it beyond him learning a few new words.
Long as I don’t run out of beer, the quest will continue,
if only in the interest of bringing hope to the masses. Look for the Fund My Great Idea campaign,
which should be announced in time for the Donald Trump Vice-Presidential
Announcement (I’m not saying I’m under consideration, and I’m not saying I’m
not). Those who contribute will be among
the first to benefit when I wake up with super powers on the morning of the New
Day. Peace, Brothers and Sisters, and
may the Hummingbird Be with you. :-{)}
No comments:
Post a Comment