Madison Avenue

As I coated my armpits with scented wax this morning, in preparation for a day to be spent mostly puttering about the house, with maybe some interaction with a store clerk later, I found myself thinking about advertising.  Specifically, about the unfortunate side effects of a successful advertising campaign.

Think about it.  What caused many us to do the same thing every morning right after stepping out of a nice cleansing shower (I suppose I must accept the idea that maybe everyone else in the world has caught on by now, and I am the last one, but the size and variety of the deodorant section in any grocery or drug store points out the impetuosity of that logic)?

Has it been thundered down upon us from pulpits across the land:  People, you stink! God wants you to do something about it!?  No. I think not.  Those kingdoms are not of this world, which sorta implies that there are no deodorant counters in the aisles of Heaven, and in Hell, the lack of same could conceivably be part of the punishment.

Has this practice been the result of a long, ordered public process, with committees and hearings and participation, all the things that have in the past resulted in the observation that getting something done in the City is like mating elephants:  It is accomplished at a high level, accompanied by much trumpeting and screaming, and it takes 3 years to see any results (the process is the same at the federal level, but the timelines are extended)?  I don’t think so.  My many years as a bureaucrat and functionary within the belly of that particular beast helped me find my true value to the City, that of making any meeting last 20 minutes longer, and I am sure I would have been notified at some point in that process.  I would have probably written the spec. for the Stink Vote, if not campaigned for its defeat.

I understand the Spanish Conquistadores never bathed, ever, and covered their funk with ever more lavish splashes of scented water or cologne, so maybe there is something to that, some idea that a clever Madison Ave grad seized upon and ran with and brought us to the way things are today.

Probably the issue came to light as more and more people were crowded together in stuffy little offices full of cubicles, with closet sized lunch rooms like on the 52^nd floor of SMT, or gathered in bunches at the local school gymnasium to protest the latest outrage.

But I think the die was cast in the ‘30s by folks like Fred Astaire, who could dance incredibly for 15 minutes at a time, yet not break a sweat in the process.  Ginger Rogers, another one, who did everything Fred did, but did it backwards in high heels, also without breaking a sweat.

But there is a danger in following this line of thought to its presumably logical conclusion.  The question becomes, “If they have convinced the vast majority of us that we smell bad, and that politeness demands that we hide our natural odor to avoid giving offense to our co-workers, thus spawning a multi-billion dollar industry ($18 Billion last year, says the all-knowing Google), what else have they talked us into?

How about mirrors?  Why do we really care about how we look at a given time?  If we’re really ugly that morning, won’t someone tell us?  And we don’t have to look at us, we’re inside these eyes, so isn’t it more important how we feel?  How often to you ask someone, “How do you feel?”, and have them reply, “I feel good, but I look bad.”  So now everyone has mirrors in their houses, with the possible exception of those few who recognize them as the leaks into alternate universes that they really are and keep theirs taped up.  We all know you can’t break ‘em.  And we all spend money on mirrors, and hair brushes, and spray, and coloring, and makeup, and foundation, and skin cream, and facial exercises, and why?  We have to look in the mirror to see if it worked, don’t we?  So if we got rid of the mirrors, wouldn’t that allow us to dump all that other stuff, too?

So what else?  How about clothes in the summertime?  You know there is only so many times you can wear that favorite t-shirt until it begins to sag and stain, especially in the armpits with the wax and all, then it gets all holey and you toss it.  So ask yourself, “Did Adam and Eve wear clothes? No, not at all, at least at first, and then only a fig leaf or three, if you believe the pictures.  And all the history books show that clothing, especially in warm climates, has always been optional, so it follows that Madison Avenue, paid by the companies that make and sell that clothing, has mounted a campaign over the years to make it logical and desireable that we wear clothes all the time, at least out in public.  When we don’t, they take pictures and spread them all over the internet without sharing the royalties with us, even.  I bet they all lost money in the ‘60s…

Any way, I’m climbing back down off this tree stump for now.  My work here is done.  I’ve planted the seed and will sit back and watch it grow and flower into a vast network of right thinking people who reject Madison Avenue and all it stands for, just like kudzu or, with apologies to Frank Herbert, sentient kelp. Just remember, next time you step out of the shower, to ask yourself, “Do I really need this?”   :-{)}

Political Courage

It takes guts…

I guess you have to admire the courage it took for those 52 Republican Senators to vote for the latest Tax Reform Bill.

In the first place, they had to know it was a con game from the start.  They also had to know that the opposition is on to them, and was going to bring the heat every chance they could from now until 2018, yet they went ahead and did it.  It’s like they have to know Trump is about to bite the big one, and they were running out of time.

It seems to be pretty much out in the open that the Koch brothers and other big donors really do get whatever they want from the Republican Party, damn the consequences.

It’s also pretty obvious, and has been pointed out as recently as this morning, by Danny Westneat in the Seattle Times, that the federal budget deficits they have created with this bill will be the excuse they will use in the future to cut Social programs like Medicare and Social Security.  What they’re trying to tell us is that we’ve gotten a little too fat sucking on the public teat, never mind where the money came from, and that things are going to have to tighten up around here.  It’s all coming together according to plan.

So the Republicans have to know a bunch of them are going to lose their jobs in 2018, unless they can somehow focus the attention of the electorate on something else, off to the side, or talk a bunch of people out of bothering to vote.  Look out, Hillary, we’re really gonna come after you this time, and we’re not kidding!

The problem is, when you get their backs against the wall, and it begins to start to look like it’s all going down the toilet, what will they be willing to try to put off the inevitable?

Pull out the Nazi shock troops that are training together all over the country right now and put them on some targets?  Maye some more mass shootings?

How about a nice hot war somewhere new, like Korea?  Maybe Iran, they don’t have nukes yet, we hope.  It doesn’t take much looking to see how many American and Global companies are making a killing these days on arms and armaments, and the related ammunition and parts supply chains.  Gun shops and tactical supply joints are popping up nearly as fast as breweries these days, and the big guns, the planes and ships, the submarines and rockets, those are coming off the assembly lines in precise order, with backlogs in the years.

The fat cats who run those companies make money no matter who wins or loses the war, or who gives up their child in sacrifice to that money, a process that has been going on since the Gilded Age, and today’s Rupert Murdoch is yesterday’s William Randolph Hearst. So a war could be in the offing

I guess you have to hand it to the Republicans this time, all right.  Their strategy seems to be: “Let’s stab the majority of our constituents in the back while we take their money and give it to our patrons, then cover up the mess by throwing huge piles of bullshit on it and see if we get away with it.  Even if we lose our seats, we’ll still have our pensions, of course.  We’re not touching those…”

You’d think it would take a lot of guts to bet the farm like they’ve done here, that if they could invent some high principle upon which they were willing to stake their political futures to achieve, come up with some new words to replace “taking away from the citizens benefits they have bought and paid for all their lives”, they’d be quick to trumpet that.  You’d think so, if you didn’t suspect they were merely acting on orders from above, which also explains what happened.  Either way you look at it, it boils down to two things:  We’re screwed, and they’re toast.  :-{)}

Letter to Donald Trump

January 11, 2018

Dear President Trump,

Your Team Trump folks sent me an email yesterday, and I have to admit that I’m a bit confused.

First, they asked me if I thought January 20^th, 2017 was a fantastic day, because it was the day We the People elected Donald Trump president (I didn’t, but that’s neither here nor there), and whether I would like to join the president and whichever of his children were most likely to not be in jail for dinner on January 20^th of this year.

Under that they invited me to contribute one dollar to be automatically entered to win, the prize being a chance for dinner with you, Eric and Lara at a place in Florida!

Under that, in large white letters on a red background is a button to click that says: “Contribute $1”

They said you asked that all of your loyal supporters be told about this opportunity, to join the whole family at the most beautiful spot in Florida for an evening we’ll never forget!  Then it asked me to contribute $1 right now to be automatically entered to win an exclusive trip to Florida for Dinner with the President and His Family!

Thank you, Team Trump.  Contribute 1$

Then, underneath all that, is a forwarded message from you, Mr. Trump.  It says the same thing, basically, with one small change:  before it raises the stakes by saying I get to bring a friend, and that dinner is at Florida’s “Most Exclusive” Club, and we get to pose for a picture (!), you lowered the boom on us.  The price went up to 3$.

You make it all clear when you say, “All it takes is any contribution of 3$ or more before the deadline to be automatically entered for this once-in-a-lifetime chance…”

Under that is a stack of suggested contributions, ranging from $200 down to $35, ending with “Contribute Other Amount”, which could be 3$, I guess.

Then at the bottom you add a few details.  The most exclusive club in Florida is in Palm Beach, apparently, and the deadline is 11:59 PM on January 17, 2018.  That’s cutting it mighty fine if the dinner is on the 20^th.  That only leaves me 3 days to buy a suit and get my hair done.  Are you sending Air Force One or Two to pick me up at Sea-Tac?

But no, I found the link in the email that led to the fine print, and read all of that.

First thing, I see you’re bringing me in on an airline of your choice, putting me up in a hotel of your choice. That’s ok, but I’m surprised you’re going to have me in Coach.  You ever fly Coach across the country?  I doubt it.

Then I see that all meals and ground transportation is up to me while I’m there.  So much for “all expenses paid”.  Then I see that this deal is going to pick 50 winners!  How exclusive is that, I ask?  Then I see that I get to pay the taxes on all this, too!  How much is that photo-op worth to the IRS?

Then I see that the Secret Service has to do a background check on all 50 winners, not to mention their friends, and get it done in 3 days, and I gotta wonder, how much is that going to cost the American Taxpayer?  Are the results of those checks going to be available under the Freedom of Information Act?  I guess not, according to the fine print in the email, I have to send an SASE with return stamp to your campaign hq in Massachusetts after February 15, 2018 to get the answer to that question.  I’m half tempted…

Then we get to the nitty gritty.  If I don’t, for any reason, pass this background check, the whole deal is off.  Beyond that, the 50 winners will be selected from a pool of eligible contributors and selected using criteria supplied by the Sponsor “…to provide for an appropriate range of views, backgrounds, and interests.” 

In other words, your people are going to cherry pick out of the pile 50 people and their guests that have passed the Secret Service background checks and, since the drawing is going to be held on January 18, and the winners notified the same day, and the dinner is in Florida (at Mar-A-Lago?) two days later, I’d say you’ve got your work cut out for you.

In fact, the more I think about it, I’d say the whole “contest” is as phony as Trump University ever was.

I’d have to say you can kiss my ass for 1$, let alone 3.  I’d say you’d  have to be a dumb-as-a box-of-rocks Redneck to fall for this one.  :-{)}