Inertia

Inertia:  The tendency for an object at rest to stay at rest, and an object in motion to stay in motion.

For purposes of this discussion, a body at rest can be approximated for a fat ass sitting on the couch sucking down beers and watching football.  And as we know from our study of physical principles, a body at rest will remain so until acted upon by external forces, such as a spouse.  Furthermore, a careful review of mathematical theory will show that the amount of such force is directly proportional to the volume with which said force is delivered, plus the sum of the number of times it was previously delivered, without effect.

Thus, we can say that force times volume times repetition equals mass plus n, where mass equals scale weight plus 1.2 times the number of beers consumed previous to the final application of said force that results in motion, and n equals the amount of energy expended in leveraging the motionless body to a standing position.

But wait, it’s not that simple!  A body at rest can also be put into motion by internal forces, as well!  This is a bit more complicated, because the internal forces can be generated by multiple sources, and can also combine with external forces to provoke motion that would otherwise have been unobtainable.

Through much data gathering and analysis, we have been able to define most of the important internal forces and weigh their value in combination with external forces.  This list is as follows, ranked in order of importance:

1.       Need to pee – This internal force has a geometric progression included where time plus number of beers consumed equals stress that always results in motion of one sort or another.

2.       Out of Beer – This condition is modified by the next force, which is:

3.       Presence of commercial – this factor can reduce the force needed to achieve motion by half, and is only modified if the commercial is one that has not been seen before (rare), or involves scantily clad women or Richard Sherman’s Mother.

4:       A noise sounding like spouse coming – This factor, in combination with any of all of the above forces, will automatically result in motion.  The speed of said motion is affected by the location of said spouse, proximity to refrigerator and location of bathroom.

When all forces are balanced, a symmetrical motion is observed, as where spouse appears in the doorway just as body rolls into kitchen, grabs beer out of fridge, then slips down the hall as spouse enters the kitchen, and into the bathroom where inertia is restored while body sits on toilet while drinking beer and watching game on smart watch.  Thusly is stability achieved...  :-{)}